Friday, December 2, 2011
Friday Fives: Traditionally Traditions
Welcome to the Hammond home! Where traditions don't exist unless they're really strange and can only be broken upon random consent (a thing that happens quite often considering we don't observe many traditions.)
First things first. Let's meet our traditions!
1. Thou shalt not eat less than one plate full of holiday food during the eating time. Unless thou wishes to be ridiculed for the wimpy nature* of your gut.
2. Thou shalt not be told what to buy as a gift because we all know that gift-buying is supposed to be the most difficult and hair-pulling task of the holiday season, and honestly, by this point you should just know what to get someone. We aren't mind-readers** for nothing. Happy hunting! Please don't gnash your teeth in public.
3. Going out of town to see long lost relatives is not how we roll. They come to us. After all, we are the most important members of our family tree***.
4. Plans that work well and easily are for schmucks, and we most certainly are not those kinds of people. We must have plans that require skill and cunning to execute; however, it must be done with the least amount of effort possible. We can't allow the general populace to know we actually tried to create awesomeness. That would just be ridiculous.
5. If someone isn't in a bad mood by the end of the day, then we haven't done our jobs and should be ashamed of ourselves. If you are the lucky individual to resent every other member of the human race, then you should revel in that power because you are the chosen one of the holiday. Rejoice! and spread your anti-cheer!
*I previously held this title throughout my younger years because I abhorred casseroles, but the past three years have seen me blossom into a trash compactor. I eat all things and much of them.
**Seriously. All you can get out of those people is, "I dunno. I don't care. Just get me something."
***The fact that we're also the craziest often escapes us. And we wonder why no one ever comes to see us...